


Just

by CriticalKitty



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotional, Given Christmas Exchange 2020, Given Winter Exchange, Haruki's POV, Hurt No Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Resolution, code 20, dark place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:40:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28875087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CriticalKitty/pseuds/CriticalKitty
Summary: Written for the Christmas Given Exchange - prompt was AkiHaru Angst.Haruki's thoughts when he leaves the apartment.Spoilers for the movie and for the manga, let's say vol. 4 to be on the safe side.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki, Nakayama Haruki & Yatake Kouji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40
Collections: Given Events





	Just

**Author's Note:**

  * For [h2yori](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=h2yori).



He left the apartment and just started walking. Not sure where he was going, all he knew was he didn’t want to stop. The chill of the cool night air felt good against his face, warm both from holding back his tears and finally letting go and crying. He took deep, long breathes. Trying not to panic, trying to process what had just happened.

Akihiko had been acting weird for a few days now, not showing up to things that he was supposed to, making obvious excuses, and now that he finally popped up – what even was that.

He tried tracing his steps to understand what exactly it was that had gotten them there. If there had been anything that he could have done differently. He hasn’t exactly been himself lately either.

He thought about the drinking party that Akihiko had missed and how affected he’d been by hearing that girl on the other end of the line while the guy was lying his pants off, both figuratively and literally. He was so bothered by it that he even made Take-chan concerned enough to suggest he play with his ex again. The fact that he was even considering it was also probably just his way of acting out.

He really didn’t expect it to go smoothly, but playing support had been so easy. No commitment, no real sentiments for the band's success – no pressure. His ex-girlfriend’s presence had always been relaxing somehow. Plus, these guys had some pretty nice sets ready, but these had taken them a nice while to build up. None of them was a freaky genius like his own band mates. He didn’t feel any of the pressure that his own band unwittingly put on him just by being themselves.

What even was he in ‘Given’? He felt more like their manager than their band mate. Would they even keep him around if he didn’t do all of this? Shouldn’t Akihiko be the one most intent on the band’s success? Haruki was a film major, he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to play music for a living, or if he was only grabbing this opportunity that stood in front of him. Will he be regretting this choice later?

Could he and Akihiko even still both be in the band after what happened tonight? He did tell the drummer that he would decline playing support, so it’s not like Haruki shut off that option, but he really wasn’t sure why he hadn’t. Why he wasn’t more upset with the guy to begin with. Why he couldn’t bring himself to tell him to stop, even when the green-eyed man was flat out insulting him and questioning his manhood. Was he really that much of a push-over? He wasn’t the most self-assured person out there, sure, but he did think he had more self-worth than what he’d displayed tonight. Why did he only finally stop Akihiko because of the guy’s own pained expression, one that had nothing to do with Haruki and the fact that he was pushing this act on him. One that apparently Haruki could do nothing about. So why did he even come to him in the first place?

Akihiko was always touching him casually, giving compliments here and there, making him crave it. Filling his mind with his words and actions.

The drummer had a lot of experience with people thinking he's hot, so Haruki wasn’t surprised to find out that his not-so-subtle ass hadn’t been hiding anything well enough to escape him. Of course he picked up on his crush. At some point Haruki had already figured that they weren't actually going to be a thing, he accepted it and resigned himself to these touches and compliments, the whispers in his ear. Getting furious and thrilled all over again each and every time.

While he was walking and thinking, night had become morning, and Haruki was still wandering the streets of Tokyo. He sat down for a while on a bench in some playground he couldn’t really recognize. A child was laughing, playing on the swings, the mother observing from the side and calling out warnings every once in a while. A bird was perched on the drinking fountain, chirping. He sat there, staring at nothing, the sounds mixing together in his ears to white noise that he wasn’t processing.

For fucks sake, he didn’t even know Akihiko has a roommate. In two years of knowing him, after all this time together in the studio and concerts, errands run together as the non-minor group members as well as the drinking parties. All the times Akihiko had stayed over and not once did he mention a roommate. Maybe he was overly bothered by this, but it somehow felt important, especially given how Mafuyu was actually familiar enough with this person to have been left alone with them. So how come they never came up?

Putting his weight off of them had made him realize the toll to his legs from all that walking, he could feel the dull ache of his muscles. He looked up, trying to understand where exactly he’d wound up, and realized his feet had taken him to Take-chan’s neighborhood. Maybe he should just head over there, he really didn’t feel like going back home yet and he could use the friendly face. He got back up, making the remaining short trip to his friend’s house, only to discover that he wasn’t home, probably already at his temp job. The blonde slid down the wall to a sitting position by the door, deciding to wait there for him and getting back to his thoughts from before.

It seemed like whatever it was that happened was about that roommate, seeing as Akihiko had said they were the reason for his bruised cheek, seeing as he said whatever Haruki would do wouldn’t matter. Like he wasn’t the one who initiated the whole thing – violently so. Insulting him and stripping him of his self respect. He always takes what he wants, never complies to Haruki, always thinks he knows better than the bassist even though he’s the older one, damnit!

Obviously, he had less experience than Akihiko when it came to sex. Not everyone was cut out to be a playboy, after all. He hadn’t actually been with anyone for two fucking years, ever since he got this crush. Two years of celibacy and growing out his hair, all with the hope of some acknowledgment from the pierced drummer, but the acknowledgment he ended up getting was spiteful questioning of his ability to fuck women. He understood what Akihiko was implying, the guy didn’t think of him as a man. Apparently he was just another hole in his list of options. Some sort of sexual punching bag.

He ran his fingers through his hair, suddenly hating how girly and emasculating it felt. He wasn’t getting these two years back, but he could take care of this at least. Should he go see Hanaoka? No, their videos were too popular, the guy wouldn’t agree to cut his hair without hearing an explanation and Haruki wasn’t up for rationalizing himself to anyone right now. He’ll have to ask Take or maybe do it himself once he got back home. He felt a sudden urge to just return to his own house and have that physical and emotional cut and change, but soon realized that he didn’t know when exactly Akihiko will be gone from there, so that wasn’t really an option yet.

He hugged his knees to his chest and rested his head on top of them, resigning himself once more to wait until his friend arrived. Shutting his eyes and trying to do the same with the thoughts racing through his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for h2yori, but I couldn't find them when I tried to gift it to them here, even though they had a profile when I started writing this... Hope you get to see this, h2yori!
> 
> Thanks, Suharu and BlonDJinjiT, for beta-ing!


End file.
